Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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