Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
