Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
