for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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