Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
