Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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