true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
