pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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