Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
