yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you win again, gameday.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
