highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
