fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
