how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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