proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
