I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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