from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
