i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think i have two assholes
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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