Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have aggressive nipples.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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