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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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