It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
