I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
