now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
