Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
