I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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