he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
