it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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