And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
