I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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