I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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