Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
