I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
