update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
