I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
