Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
