By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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