my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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