Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
