Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
