Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
