When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
