I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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