my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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