I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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