What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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