so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
