Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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