i think my tv is drunk
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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