the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
