I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
