everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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